


A Very Tom-y Riddle

by sonderwrites



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Creepy, Gay Male Character, Gay Tom Riddle, Horcruxes, John Laurens - Freeform, John Watson - Freeform, Long One Shot, M/M, One Shot, Out of Character, POV Alternating, POV Tom Riddle, Teenage Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle | Voldemort Adopts Harry Potter, Weird Plot Shit, Young Tom Riddle, human horcruxes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27147127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sonderwrites/pseuds/sonderwrites
Summary: One night, every one of Voldemort's horcruxes suddenly become human, and none of them know why. Not knowing whether they're still immortal or not, they seek each other out and try to find out what exactly happened, whilst in the meantime casually dominating the wizarding world and being very weird.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 65





	A Very Tom-y Riddle

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this wonderful prompt on The Room of Requirement Discord server: https://discord.com/channels/731903791535751209/731906075263238175/755467126055370772

“Hm,” said Tom. “Well this isn’t great.”

Or maybe he shouldn’t say ‘Tom’. He was _a_ Tom, but then how was he meant to distinguish himself from the other horcruxes if they all called themselves Tom?

It should really be the one who wasn’t a horcrux who calls himself Tom. Sure, he himself, Diary Tom, had the largest portion of their shared soul, but only the non-horcrux was supposed to inhabit a human body.

And now Diary Tom was _also_ stuck in a human body, which meant not-so-indestructible. It wasn’t great. 

But he was first thinking of a name to call himself that wasn’t Tom. Actually no, he _could_ be Tom, because non-horcrux Tom had probably started calling himself Voldemort (honestly he hoped not, it was meant to be just a _phase_ , but knowing him, he probably had). So Diary Tom could be Tom, non-horcrux Tom could be Voldemort, and if there were other horcruxes, they could suck it up and find a different name.

Now that that was sorted, Tom still had another problem; why on earth had he suddenly departed his cozy little diary, and gone back into Tom’s human body? Well at least what his body _used_ to look like. It had been a few years, hadn’t it? And this body wasn’t ghost-like or anything, it was an actual physical body, and he pinched himself to check that yep, this nervous system was intact. It sucked. He only hoped that the other horcruxes hadn't also suddenly become human because then they could all die. Unless of course he was still mostly immortal but just in a human body, which wasn’t so bad.

But his question could at least be half-answered when he stepped out of the way-too-secure room he was in, and discovered a whole manor. Frick, had he become rich or something? Because that’s actually genuinely great, no more having to barter or haggle for _every_ tiny little thing he wanted to buy.

Then when Tom found what seemed to be the largest portion of the manor, he spotted a woman who spotted him at the exact same time.

“My lord, you look… young,” the woman looked, pretty confused and surprised.

“Yeah… Er, who are you?” Tom said.

“Oh! I’m Bellatrix Lestrange, my lord,” explained Bellatrix, now even more surprised. “...are you feeling alright?”

“Yep. Just, er…” he goddamn wished Voldemort had bothered to write in his diary sometimes, then he might know what the frick was going on. But _no_ he just abandoned him, even though _a diary horcrux would be the easiest to communicate with_. “Have you ever heard of a… horcrux?”

“I think I’ve read something about them before, yes,” said Bellatrix.

“Okay, but do you know anyone who has horcruxes?” Tom asked impatiently.

“Well, someone in my family’s got to have made one before, but I don’t know anyone _personally_ … I think,” she added, looking at him weirdly.

“Hm. Well,” Tom said, more annoyed at Voldemort again. Sure, it wouldn’t be good if anyone found out about the horcruxes, because they could destroy them, but this lady was calling him ‘my lord’, what harm could she do knowing that stuff? She’s just one of those followers. But Voldemort doesn’t think of these things, or that _maybe_ the horcruxes would suddenly become human, because he’s a dumbass. “Okay. Well. Do you know where I was right before now?”

“...going to kill the Potters…?” Bellatrix now looked more concerned.

“Huh,” seriously? _Why_ , Voldemort? “Right. And did I do that?”

“I’m not sure, you haven’t told me,” Bellatrix said.

“Well that’s not great, is it?” Tom said.

“...uh, no?” Bellatrix cocked her head to the side, seriously concerned. “Are you… and I’m so sorry if you aren’t… but are you some random person who somehow polyjuiced into the younger Dark Lord?”

“...yeah, we’ll just go with that,” Tom sighed.

Bellatrix got out her wand and pointed it threateningly at Tom. “Leave or I’ll kill you.”

“Seriously, what is it with him and killing people? When I was him, we decided on _six_ people. _Six_. Jesus, is it that hard for him to _not_ kill randos?” Tom sighed.

“...when you were him?” Bellatrix repeated, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, so I’m gonna go, and hunt down my other buddies, so see you,” Tom left, and Bellatrix continued to look confused.

***

“Uh. Okay…” said Ring Tom. 

Except he wasn’t a ring. _He was a human_ _again_. At least he could now see and stuff, but he could be killed more easily now, which isn’t fun. Unless he _couldn’t_ be killed more easily, but he had no way of knowing.

“Oh thank the gods you’re in the right place,” said someone who sounded pretty similar to Ring Tom. 

He turned to see the ever so slightly younger version of himself, and realised that he wasn’t the only horcrux who’d suddenly been plopped into a human body.

“Yeah, uh, what happened?” Ring Tom asked.

“That’s what I’m tryna figure out. All I know is that Voldemort went to go kill some otters or something, and then this happened…” the human horcrux who must be Diary Tom spread his arms out.

“...he killed _otters_?” Ring Tom’s eyes went wide, and then he sighed, and looked down at the ground. “Honestly I’m not surprised. He should only have one sixty-fourth of a soul, and we _have_ killed a bunny before.” Then Ring Tom looked up again. “Hold on, we’re talking about non-horcrux Tom, right?”

“Yeah. Or maybe it wasn’t otters, maybe it was… Rotters? Potters? I don’t fricking know, but it was something, and then this happened,” Diary Tom said.

“Whelp,” Ring Tom said. “I guess we should find the others and make sure they’re not human as well?”

“Yep, that’s what I was doing.”

***

“Pfft, rude,” said Locket Tom. He had now become human and his locket disappeared which meant that Slytherin’s heirloom had just poofed out of existence. Whoever did this was rude.

He was also stuck in a cave…

In the middle of the ocean…

Locket Tom just stood there for a long while before he realised he probably needed to do something, because doing nothing most likely wouldn’t turn him back into a locket, so he attempted to climb out of the cave and onto the shore where he found two mini versions of himself. Probably the horcruxes that were made before him, excluding the cup.

So they’d all become human then…

Even ruder.

“Where’d you put the cup?” the slightly younger of the two younglings said.

“How am I meant to know? I kept you all with me, and then I got split off. I dunno what happened after that,” Locket Tom grumbled.

“Well we can’t find it. So I guess we’ll just find the others first. Wait, does anyone remember what they were meant to be?” Diary Tom asked.

“We wanted all of the house heirlooms, so they _should_ be Ravenclaw’s diadem and Gryffindor’s sword, but don’t go asking me where they are,” Locket Tom said.

***

“Um… can somebody help? _There’s a person stuck inside this vault_!” Cup Tom yelled. “Anybody? I don’t know what happened but- I’m kind of stuck!”

The vaults at Gringotts were so airtight that no one could hear him, and worst of all, if he stayed in here too long, he’d use up all the oxygen and die…

***

“Woah,” said Diadem Tom. He looked around. He was in what seemed to be the Room of Requirement at Hogwarts. 

He felt slightly homesick that his precious diadem had disappeared after he’d inhabited it for so many years, but then Hogwarts was his home too, and somehow he was back there in a human body. 

Even if he couldn’t _be_ the diadem, he wanted to at least wear it, and feel pretty, and less homesick, but the diadem was gone.

He stepped out of the room, and into the halls, feeling nostalgia wash over him. It felt nice to walk again, and even better to be walking _here_. 

***

“Okay, do _you_ know where the cup, diadem, and sword are?” Tom asked.

Bellatrix looked very disoriented that there were three mini versions of her lord or whatever standing in front of her.

“Uh… you’re all polyjuice peeps, so… I’m not telling you…” Bellatrix said slowly.

“We’re not ‘polyjuice peeps’!” Ring Tom defended.

“Then what are you?” Bellatrix said mildly.

They looked around at each other.

“...we’re from the past,” Locket Tom decided.

“Yes, exactly, and we used a time turner to get here,” Tom confirmed.

“We just thought it might be fun to see what would happen if we went to the same point in time every few years,” Ring Tom added.

Bellatrix still looked very stunned and suspicious. “Then where’s your time turner?”

Tom looked at Locket Tom. “Show her the time turner.”

“I don’t have the time turner, you have the time turner!” snapped Locket Tom.

“I don’t have it!” Tom then turned to Ring Tom. “You have it, don’t you?”

“No, I gave it to you,” Ring Tom said stubbornly.

Tom inhaled. “Okay. Well. We may have dropped it along the way.”

“Wouldn’t you each have your own time turner, being from different times and all?” Bellatrix raised an eyebrow.

“Oh,” Tom said.

“Quick! Someone knock her out!” Locket Tom said urgently, throwing a gray cloth he happened to have at the other two. 

***

Bellatrix was tied up to a chair in one of the smaller rooms at the manor that they’d found. They’d forced some veritaserum down her throat, and now they were just waiting for her to wake up. 

Honestly, the fact that they’d managed to knock her out in a muggle way through suffocation without her intervening even though she was fully armed and everything was pretty incredible.

“Are you sure the veritaserum’s going to work?” Ring Tom asked.

“We’re Tom Riddle, of course it’s gonna fricking work,” Diary Tom said.

“Touché.”

Bellatrix finally awoke, and it took her a moment to readjust.

“Okay, who are you?” Diary Tom asked.

“Bellatrix…” Bellatrix said drowsily.

“Cool, and do you know where Hufflepuff’s cup, Ravenclaw’s diadem, and Gryffindor’s sword are?” Diary Tom asked.

“I only know where the cup is…” Bellatrix said. 

“And where’s that?” Diary Tom demanded.

“In my vault at Gringotts…” Bellatrix said.

“Can you take us there?” 

“Yes, but I don’t want to…”

“Will you if I torture you?” Locket Tom asked.

“Probably…” Bellatrix said. “But I don’t really want to get tortured, so I’ll take you there anyway…”

“Okay, right now?” Diary Tom asked.

“I guess so…” Bellatrix attempted to get up, but then she realised she was tied down. “Actually no. I’m stuck…” 

Diary Tom moved for the ropes. “You’re not going to make a run for it if I untie you? You’re just going to let us into your vault that has the cup and let us do whatever we want in there?”

Bellatrix nodded, hesitated a second, then said, “yes. I mean no- or- no to the first and yes to the second.”

Diary Tom untied Bellatrix, and then they made her get up and lead them to Gringotts.

***

They opened up the vault, and to no one but Bellatrix’s shock, there was another little Tom inside. 

“Oh thank goodness,” said Cup Tom, taking a deep breath.

“How- When- What?” Bellatrix said. “And why are there so many of you guys?”

“We already explained,” Locket Tom said in a ‘duh’ voice.

Cup Tom walked out to join the others, and then they closed the vault.

“Now just two horcruxes to go…” Diary Tom muttered.

“Horcruxes?” Bellatrix looked at him.

“Did I say horcruxes? I meant… whores… no, that’s worse, um…” Diary Tom looked to the others for help.

“He meant… horrrrible crutches?” Locket Tom suggested meekly.

“Yeah, I really don’t think so. Hold on, are you somehow humanified versions of horcruxes? Wait, so the dark lord had horcruxes? So he’s immortal-?” Bellatrix looked astonished.

“Quick! Someone knock her out!” Locket Tom said, throwing out yet another bit of cloth he somehow had.

***

“I’m pretty sure she’s gonna suffocate in there…” Cup Tom said carefully. 

“Yeah, whatever,” Locket Tom said. 

Cup Tom looked nervously back at the now locked vault, and looked guiltily away again as he walked off with the others. When they were halfway out of Gringotts, though, Diary Tom quickly ran back and opened it back up, instead dumping Bellatrix’s unconscious body just outside the vault. Cup Tom had followed him.

The two made their way back to the group, and they inconspicuously left Gringotts to go find the other two horcruxes. 

***

“Merlin’s-” Dumbledore’s eyes were wide. “How the--?”

As soon as Diadem Tom saw Dumbledore, he ran back to the Room of Requirement, feeling like he’d just seen a dementor. Dumbledore was the _last_ person he’d want to see after just becoming human again, and yet he’d been the _first_ person he'd seen.

The Room of Requirement had decided to turn into a panic room, and Diadem Tom hid in the corner of it, wishing more than anything to go back to his precious diadem. Sure, Hogwarts was amazing, but not devoid of Dumbledore, which the diadem _was_.

***

“Here’s a theory; what if there’s only four horcruxes?” Locket Tom said.

“What, are you saying you decided you’d be the last horcrux?” Tom said, really not believing it, because if Voldemort kills otters, why not kill more humans and make the six horcruxes? Or more, even?

“No, but if we can’t find the other two, there’s always that possibility,” Locket Tom shrugged.

“Why don’t we ask Ring Tom’s opinion? He’s been silent for ages,” Tom said.

“Uh… maybe it’s at Hogwarts or something? That’s a significant place,” Ring Tom suggested.

Tom nodded. “Good point, but what are people gonna think when they see an army of Tom Riddles marching into Hogwarts?”

“They’d better fear for their lives,” Locket Tom said darkly.

“Okay, but _do_ we want that? We just want to peacefully go in, get whatever horcrux, and then peacefully leave again,” Tom said.

“I really don’t think it’ll go like that,” Cup Tom said frankly.

“Polyjuice!” Tom said suddenly, after having a lightbulb moment.

“Good idea. And I may or may not have pinched that lady’s hair when we knocked her out the first time,” Locket Tom said.

“...Okay… but she clearly works for us, so not a good idea to go parading around Hogwarts looking like her,” Tom pointed out.

“Then who?” Locket Tom asked, mildly aggressive-like.

“Ministry officials?” Ring Tom suggested.

“Yes. Yes. Yes!” Tom agreed. “Because then it won’t be weird to be at Hogwarts, and we’ll be allowed to go wherever. If they’re high up, that is.”

“Yeah but, how are we gonna get something from their body?” Cup Tom said.

“I’ll handle that,” Locket Tom said creepily.

“Okay then…” Tom said.

Locket Tom swiftly left, and Tom stared after him.

***

Locket Tom arrived back a while later, holding a bag full of stuff. He layed out four definitely-not-concerning items down in front of the other three.

He pointed to each as he explained what they were. “This is a scab of Millicent Bagold’s--she’s the Minister for Magic and a Ravenclaw-”

“Hold on, one of us has to be a female?” Cup Tom said, annoyed.

“Yes, actually two of us, now get over it,” Locket Tom said before continuing his breakdown of what the items were. “This is a toenail of Bartemius Crouch Sr.--he’s the head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation, and a pureblood. This is the belly button fluff of Arthur Weasley--he’s the head of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office, and he’s a Gryffindor pureblood. And this is the brain of Amelia Bones, head of the Department of Magical Law enforcement, and she exists. Well, not anymore.”

“I’m seriously concerned about your choice of body parts, but also, what’s in the rest of the bag?” Diary Tom asked.

“Oh, I’ve been collecting a body part of every human being I’ve walked past since I became human, and putting it in this bag,” Locket Tom held up the bag that now seemed even more gross.

“I’m even more concerned now. Anyway… what’s our story?” Diary Tom asked.

“What?” Locket Tom said.

“I say we pretend someone broke the law by jinxing some muggle item, and we suspect it may have been an import from another country, then we pretend it’s so serious that we had to get the Minister for Magic herself involved,” Ring Tom suggested.

“Sounds good to me,” Diary Tom said.

Locket Tom got out _another_ of his cloths, and jinxed it to knock out people on its own, but then quickly stopped it when the cloth tried to knock _him_ out. 

“We just won’t have the jinxed item anywhere and we can blame it on idiocy that we came to Hogwarts,” Locket Tom shrugged.

***

Locket Millicent, Diary Bartemius, Ring Arthur, and Cup Amelia walked onto the grounds of Hogwarts, and then came face-to-face with He Who Must Not Be Named. AKA, Dumbledore.

“Oh, Minister! What a surprise!” Dumbledore said. “I’m sorry but I can’t stay, I’ve got to go to Godric’s Hollow. Apparently You-Know-Who killed the Potters, and rumour has it their son survived.”

“Ahu, ahu. Sorry, who’s You-Know-Who?” Locket Millicent said.

Dumbledore looked at him weirdly. “Well, Voldemort, of course.”

“Ohh, right! Of course!” Locket Millicent said, trying to laugh. “Sorry, I think I’m getting amnesia with all my years as Minister for Magic.”

“Right… Well… Anyway… I’ve got to go,” and with that, Dumbledore was gone.

The three Toms sighed with relief, then continued on their journey into Hogwarts.

“I thought you said he was killing otters!” Ring Arthur hissed quietly to Diary Bartemius.

“I told you I might have misheard!” Diary Bartemius hissed back. “Now shut up, we’re Ministry officials on official business.”

They mindlessly walked around the school, nodding politely to students, with Cup Amelia muttering, “I still don’t understand why I had to be one of the females, _especially_ the dead one”, until they’re stopped by McGonagall.

“Minister, Barty, Arthur, Amelia, what are you doing here?” McGonagall asked.

“Well, you see, we caught word of…” Locket Millicent trailed off as he forgot their story.

“There’s a jinxed muggle artifact at your school, and we think it was sent over from some other country,” Diary Arthur said.

“Yes, exactly, very unlawful,” Cup Amelia said.

“So, we were wondering if you’d seen a random Tom Riddle around here by any chance?” Ring Tom asked.

McGonagall stared at them all. “Look, can you get out of my way, we’ve just had something terrible happen, and you’re making no sense. Tom Riddle graduated in 1945, and besides, he’s You-Know-Who, isn’t he? Who are you people?”

“Quick! Someone knock her out!” Locket Millicent exclaimed, throwing _another_ of his cloths out.

But McGonagall caught it…

“Rude,” Locket Millicent muttered.

“Tell me who you are,” she said sternly.

“Millicent… Gold Bag? No, old bag? Bag old? Yes! I’m Millicent Bagold,” Locket Millicent said.

“And I’m Bartemius Couch,” Ring Arthur said confidently.

“Hey, no, _I’m_ Bartemius Couch- Crouch,” Diary Bartemius snapped.

“Oh. Whoops…” Ring Arthur said 

Meanwhile, another Tom had snuck up behind McGonagall and knocked her out. But this one wasn’t polyjuiced…

“Diadem? Sword?” Diary Bartemius said in greeting.

“Yes, I’m Diadem Tom,” said Diadem Tom. “And you dorcuses must be the other horcruxes.”

“How could you tell?” Cup Amelia complained.

Diadem Tom just smirked, and everyone looked down at their bodies to see the polyjuice potion had just started to wear off. “We should go, I heard the last sighting of non-horcrux Tom was at Godric’s Hollow.”

“Hold on, what about Sword Tom?” Diary Tom said.

“There _is_ no sword Tom. There may be a sixth horcrux, but I don’t know where, and it won’t be the Sword of Gryffindor,” Diadem Tom explained.

“Oh, okay,” Diary Tom said. “Wait, other question, how are you saner than Locket Tom? You should have less soul than him.”

“Whoever said I was saner?” Diadem Tom smiled pleasantly.

“Me. Just now,” Diary Tom said. “But anyway, let’s get to Godric’s Hollow and ask Voldemort what the frick he did to us.”

***

The Toms arrived at Godric’s Hollow, and decided that the exploded house must be where the Potters lived, or _had_ lived. 

When they arrived, there was Hagrid taking off on some guy’s motorbike with a baby, but no sign of non-horcrux Tom. 

“Man I hate that guy,” Diary Tom said, watching Hagrid go.

“I don’t even know who he is,” Cup Tom admitted.

“Yes you do, you literally called him by his name in your inner monologue,” Diary Tom pointed out.

Cup Tom stared at him, and then immediately stopped thinking for fear that Diary Tom could read his mind.

***

“He’s the guy with the giant spider, remember?” Ring Tom told Cup Tom. But Cup Tom had become utterly numb and unresponsive.

“Well okay then…” Diary Tom muttered.

Even after walking through the ruins of the house, there was no sign of Voldemort anywhere. 

“Is he… dead?” Ring Tom asked cautiously.

“Impossible,” Diadem Tom affirmed, but part of him had a feeling that maybe it _was_ possible after all.

“We don’t _need_ him,” Diary Tom said, but his voice was uncertain.

“That’s right; we’re perfectly fine on our own,” Ring Tom tried to sound confident.

“Duh we don’t need him, he’s just another part of us, there’s nothing special about him,” Locket Tom said.

“He _does_ know what’s been happening, whereas we’ve just been stuck in random objects for years. Like, why do people call him You-Know-Who?” Ring Tom said.

Diary Tom was half way through agreeing when Diadem Tom interrupted him. “Merlin’s beard, guys!” he said, pointing to someone dragging Cup Tom away.

***

They followed the trail for miles, but found no sign of Cup Tom. Some Toms were starting to suspect that maybe they should have taken the right turn at the start, instead of the left, but no, Diadem Tom insisted on the left, and yet they _still_ hadn’t come across Cup Tom.

“Let’s face it; a bird of prey snatched him up and flew off to eat him,” Tom said.

“That’s not true, is it? Birds can’t just pick up a 20-something-year-old and eat it, right?” Ring Tom said nervously.

“Cassowaries have killed humans, haven’t they?” Locket Tom said.

“First of all; cassowaries can’t fly, so they can’t have flown off with Cup Tom, secondly, they probably don’t ‘eat’ humans, and thirdly, the only reason I’m denying the possibility of what I originally said is because I didn’t really believe it, but either way, I doubt we’ll find Cup Tom,” Tom said.

“Also I saw him get taken by a person, not a bird,” Diadem Tom added.

Locket Tom looked at him. “Maybe Diadem Tom has been lying all this time… maybe he was never taken at all…”

Now all the horcruxes looked at Diadem Tom suspiciously.

“I mean, think about it…” Locket Tom continued. “Wasn’t Diadem Tom meant to be more insane than me? What’s stopping him from impulsively deciding to send us on a wild goose chase because he felt like it?”

They all thought about it, and started glaring Diadem Tom down, until Tom said, “but then where did Cup Tom go?”

“Diadem Tom probably deliberately just hid him,” Locket Tom said.

“Guys, this is just… no,” Diadem Tom said, then pointed into the distance. “Hey look, I suddenly found Cup Tom out of coincidence.”

They had… gone in a circle and they were back at the Potters house, and… Cup Tom was in the exact same spot…

“Jesus… He hadn’t _moved_?” Tom sighed.

Everyone glared at Diadem Tom again, who put his arms in the air. “I swear I saw him get taken away!”

“Yeah, yeah…” muttered Tom.

***

So they had wasted time for no reason, they still hadn’t found Voldemort, and they still had no idea why they were human, nor how to turn back. So that wasn’t fun.

Now they were just aimlessly walking around Godric’s Hollow. Well, Cup Tom wasn’t, for some reason he was still weirdly unresponsive. 

Locket Tom started slapping Cup Tom, but he didn’t do anything, and then eventually Diary Tom came over to attempt to fix Cup Tom.

“I didn’t read your mind, okay?” Diary Tom said. “I just… assumed you wouldn’t forget. Are you happy now?”

Cup Tom remained unresponsive, and everyone groaned, until finally Cup Tom blinked and looked around.

“Woah, where am I?” Cup Tom said.

“Godric’s Hollow, duh,” Locket Tom said.

“Oh yeah,” Cup Tom said. “What about Voldemort?”

“I say we ditch him, and just start life on our own here. We can figure out what’s been happening in the world without him,” Locket Tom decided. “Who’s in?”

Everyone put their hand up one at a time, even Ring Tom, who at the same time was scribbling something down on a random piece of paper.

***

_11 years later_

_Minister for magic: Tom Riddle_

_That evil dark wizard dude: Tom Riddle_

_Happy father of an adopted kid who he looks after with his husband: Tom Riddle_

_Headmaster of Hogwarts: Tom Riddle_

_Random homeless guy who’s secretly a spy for some other planet that he definitely didn’t make up: Tom Riddle_

_Are these all the same person, or a bunch of people with the same name?: Yes_

_Yes for what?: Yes_

_Ok whatever…: Yes_

_The-Boy-Who-Lived who didn’t really get that famous: Harry Potter_

“Um, what are you writing?” Locket Tom said, who had been looking over Ring Tom’s shoulder.

“Uh. Predictions,” Ring Tom said awkwardly.

“Who’s Harry Potter?” Locket Tom asked.

“I dunno, just a random name,” Ring Tom shrugged.

“And which one of us is the spy for the definitely-not-fake other planet?” Locket Tom said, narrowing his eyes.

“None of you, or all of you, I dunno, it’s just random stuff,” Ring Tom stuck the paper in his pocket.

“Okay, well anyway, we’ve been at Godric’s Hollow for hours, let’s go,” Diary Tom, who had just walked over, said.

***

Actually 11 years later (technically 10 years, 8 months, and 24 days later, but we don’t have to be specific…)

“I don’t know, I just have a feeling… he’s back,” Diary Tom said.

“And _why_ do you think this?” Locket Tom raised an eyebrow judgingly. 

“I just got a bit of my soul ripped out from me, and it was painful,” Diary Tom shuddered. 

“Oh, so you don’t have the largest portion of soul anymore?” Locket Tom said excitedly. “So we can have a better leader?”

“I don’t know! But it’s not like it’ll be you if we’re going off soul portions, anyway. It’d probably be Ring Tom, but I still probably have the biggest piece anyway,” Diary Tom said.

As if on cue, Ring Tom came busting in, smiling unnaturally broadly.

“Guys, guys, guys! I got a boyfriend!” Ring Tom jumped happily.

“Er, good for you?” Diary Tom said.

“Great, but you can leave now,” Locket Tom said.

“His name is John Lautson, and he’s sixteen too,” Ring Tom continued like those two hadn’t said anything.

“Leave,” Locket Tom grumbled.

“You do realise you’re twenty-six, right? _Technically_ , sixty-four,” Diary Tom pointed out to Ring Tom.

“Yeahhh, but none of us have physically aged, which means my brain hasn’t aged either, so I’m still basically like a sixteen-year-old, and I’m also stuck in eternal puberty. _Just like you_ , Diary,” Ring Tom grinned condescendingly at him. He then walked out, Locket Tom was relieved, but then Ring Tom came back again with a shy-looking, but cute, boy.

John Lautson looked stunned, and he shuffled closer to Ring Tom to say, “um, you never told me there were… more… of you… however that works.”

“Yeah, it’s fine, they’re chill. Though be warned, you’ve probably lost a body part already since your first glance at Locket,” Ring Tom said.

John looked nervously at Locket Tom, and then checked each of his limbs in turn. Locket Tom smirked at him.

“Um, can we… go?” John anxiously grabbed Ring Tom’s sleeve.

“Uh okay,” Ring Tom said, then waved to the other two horcruxes. “Byeeee.”

“He says he hasn’t aged, but I’ve got a feeling he’s de-aged,” Locket Tom muttered once Ring Tom was gone.

But then Ring Tom was back again.

“Uh, sorry about him, he’s a muggle,” Ring Tom explained.

“You’re seriously dating a muggle after what our muggle father did to our mother and us?” Diary Tom said.

“You’re the one who stopped the whole muggle-killing-without-a-reason with the death eaters,” Ring Tom defended.

“Yeah, but relationships are different. He’ll abandon you. Just you wait,” Diary Tom said. “And you were even the horcrux made from the death of our father! Wait, you were, right?”

“I was,” Ring Tom confirmed. “But not every muggle is like that. John is a cinnamon roll. And apparently his last name is a mix of Laurens and Watson. I have no idea why I brought that up, nor why he told me, because it means nothing to me, but yeah.”

And then in next was Diadem Tom, all dressed up in a blue ball gown, and a replica of Ravenclaw’s diadem, which was literally his one outfit. Rumour had it he wore it to bed, too.

“Hey, guess what!” Diadem Tom said excitedly.

“You got a boyfriend,” Locket Tom guessed.

“Nope, but I found the baby that survived Mr Voldemort’s attack eleven years ago when we all became human,” Diadem Tom explained, and then put a letter on the table. “Harry Potter just got an invitation to Hogwarts! Maybe he’s the key, and now that we have him in our grasp, we can go back to our precious items.”

Locket Tom looked stunned. He turned to Ring Tom. “Ring, you’re psychic!”

“What?” Ring Tom stared blankly at him.

“Remember that piece of paper you were writing on years ago?” Locket Tom asked.

“No…?” Ring Tom said. “But I’m concerned that _you_ remember.”

“You said that there would be a Harry Potter, and here he is!” Locket Tom exclaimed.

“Yep, so once he arrives at Hogwarts, we’ll be able to do our stuff,” Diadem Tom said.

Cup Tom, who had been watching in the corner the whole time, cocked his head to the side, and then got up.

“Hold on, do we really want to go back to our horcrux selves? Because I kind of like being human again,” Cup Tom piped in.

“Oh, Cup Tom! You exist!” Diary Tom exclaimed.

“...yeah,” Cup Tom said.

“Well I don’t know about you, but I _certainly_ want to go back to my diadem,” Diadem Tom said.

“Well it _is_ pretty neat being human, but I’d still like to find out why it happened,” Diary Tom said.

***

So Harry wasn’t getting his letters, but it was fine, Diadem Tom would just pay him a visit. Usually the Deputy Headmaster would be the one to visit students like muggleborns and give them their letters, but Diadem Tom wanted to meet Harry Potter so bad that he had to be the one to do it.

Weirdly, Harry lived in a shack on a rock in the middle of the sea, but whatever, no matter the place, Diadem Tom was determined to see him.

With “Alohomora”, using the Toms’ shared wand which they’d found at Godric’s Hollow years ago, Diadem Tom unlocked the door to the shack, and walked in on a bunch of sleeping people.

“Hello, Harry,” Diadem Tom said to the boy on the floor under the thin blanket who had woken up when Diadem Tom came in. He didn’t know why he knew which one was Harry, he just _knew_.

Harry rubbed his eyes and stood up sleepily. After a moment he said, “erm, hello miss- sir- person. Erm, what are you doing here?”

“I’m here to give you your letter to Hogwarts,” Diadem Tom held out the letter, and Harry carefully took it, a look of shock on his face when he saw it.

“Sorry, but what’s Hogwarts?” Harry asked.

“Hogwarts… is a school for people with special abilities. But no, not as in mad people go there, it’s a school of magic,” Diadem Tom said, subconsciously half-quoting Dumbledore without realising. 

“Uncle Vernon says magic isn’t real, and if I say… well then I’ll…” Harry faltered, shuddered, and Diadem Tom immediately understood. 

He bent down to Harry’s level and smiled softly at him. “It’s okay. If you come with me, I can keep you safe. At Hogwarts you’ll be safe. No matter what your uncle has told you, magic is very real, and you can do it because you’re special. Have you ever done something unexplainable? Like change someone’s hair colour, teleport somewhere, get a bunny to hang from the rafters which are too high up for you to reach?”

“Well, yes. I’ve done lots of things. But it can’t be magic, because magic isn’t real,” Harry said.

Diadem Tom’s eyes flicked to Harry’s lightning scar, which had been calling to him this entire time. “Tell me Harry, how did you get that scar?”

“From a car crash. My parents died, but I survived, and I was left with this scar,” Harry explained.

Diadem Tom hummed and nodded. “Do you remember anything from that car crash?”

“Not really. Well… lots of green light, I guess,” Harry said.

Diadem Tom nodded. Everything suddenly clicked. Well, sort of. Harry survived Voldemort’s killing curse, and was left with this scar. Diadem Tom still didn’t know _how_ he survived, though, or even what happened to Voldemort, so it wasn’t _that_ good a find.

“Harry, if you take my hand, I’ll prove to you that magic is real,” Diadem Tom held out his hand. 

Hesitantly, Harry took it, and then there was a crack, and the two were gone. Finally, the Dursleys awoke, and it took them a while, but when they realised Harry was gone, it was a shock… and a relief.

***

“ _You kidnapped a child_?” Tom yelled when he saw Diadem Tom apparate in front of him, a kid at his side, who then sunk to the ground.

“You kidnapped a child?” Locket Tom said more eagerly.

“There’s been a change of plans; we’re adopting Harry,” Diadem Tom said.

Harry looked very nervous, and he tried to scrunch up into a ball on the floor.

“What?” Tom said.

“Look at him, he’s too cute to not adopt,” Diadem Tom said.

“Well was this legal or did you just steal him from his orphanage?” Tom asked.

“Orphanages don’t exist anymore, dorcus. I stole him from his aunt and uncle, and what was probably his cousin,” Diadem Tom explained.

“...that’s still bad,” Tom said.

“Whatever, you’re the one who decided to take over the whole death eater business from Mr Voldemort, what’s a little kidnapping to protect a kid compared to that?” Diadem Tom said.

Tom sighed. “Okay sure, but don’t go blaming me when the police come knocking on our door.”

“I’m sure they won’t,” Diadem Tom smiled confidently. 

***

_“Ow,” Harry flinched his hand to his head. “My scar hurts…”_

_“It hurts? Why does it hurt? How does it feel? Is it your head behind your scar hurting, or actually your scar? Do you just have a headache?” Diadem Tom asked._

_“H- How did you hear me from over there?” Harry stared at him._

_Harry was sitting at the back end of the Gryffindor table, and Diadem Tom was on the podium with the teachers. Everyone was looking at Diadem Tom, confused._

_“I don’t know. Father instincts? Well, father good hearing?” Diadem Tom shrugged._

_McGonagall leaned across to him. “Harry’s your kid--?”_

_“Uh, yep, kind of,” Diadem Tom said._

“And that’s how it went down,” Diadem Tom told the other horcruxes.

“Weird…” muttered Tom. “And you still have no idea why his scar was hurting?”

“Nope, not a clue,” Diadem Tom sighed.

“He’s a kid, he probably just _said_ it was hurting for attention,” Locket Tom put in.

Diadem Tom sighed. “You’re right. I guess we’re no closer to figuring this out than we were eleven years ago…”

“But it’s not like we’ve done nothing!” Cup Tom piped in, trying to spread some positivity. “Like, Locket Tom somehow became Minister for Magic, Diadem Tom is headmaster of Hogwarts, Diary Tom is some Dark Lord guy, Ring Tom is for sure going to have a happy family someday, and I’m… Well I guess since Ring Tom’s predictions were pretty much true… I’m the spy for the fake planet? Well anyway, besides me, you’re all doing pretty well.”

“Why am I the only one who doesn’t remember my predictions?” Ring Tom sighed.

“You’re doing well too, Cup Tom!” Diary Tom said. “You’re… er…”

“You’re a really nice ornament for people’s offices when you’re randomly in there… watching,” Locket Tom narrowed his eyes and started looking around creepily.

“You’re good at spreading positivity?” Diary Tom suggested.

“Um, no I’m not,” Cup Tom said. “See how I just ruined the mood? And yet again?”

“Cup is always honest about Diadem’s dresses,” Ring Tom said.

“I literally just say I don’t like them- because no-” Cup Tom said. “That’s not-”

“Guys, let’s just face it; Cup is a useless sock,” Locket Tom said.

“A ‘sock’?” Tom raised an eyebrow. 

“You know, if you’ve got an odd sock, there’s no use for it, unless you wear mismatched socks, but then you’ll never find the pair, because the other half probably just came out of the wash, but now the one you were wearing is dirty. And then the one you just wore gets lost down some crack never to be seen again. So they’re _annoying_ useless socks,” Locket Tom explained.

“That… was unexpectedly long and oddly specific,” Tom said. “And well thought out.”

“I’m sorry, but odd socks are my pet peeve,” Locket Tom grumbled.

“Says the person who literally collects random body parts. How do you think people with odd eyeballs feel?” Diary Tom said.

“That was. One. Guy. Okay?” Locket Tom growled. 

“Yeah, and now everyone calls him ‘Mad Eye Moody’ thanks to you,” Tom sniggered.

“Guys, can we get back on topic, please? Unless Harry’s faking, his scar hurt, and we need to figure out _why_ ,” Diadem Tom said.

***

“I was riiight,” Diary Tom danced around the hall, Diadem Tom trying to follow and copy the moves. “He’s baaack!”

“What is he on about?” Ring Tom asked Locket Tom.

“He said he thought Voldemort was back a while ago because part of his soul was ripped out,” Locket Tom explained with a shrug.

“Ouch,” Ring Tom put his hand to his chest.

“At least you only had to feel it twice, I got it _four_ times. Though I admit, when you’re the bit getting ripped out, it’s not as bad,” Locket Tom said.

“Hold up, so Voldemort is back? I thought we all agreed he was dead?” Ring Tom said.

“We did, but he decided to show up anyway,” Locket Tom said.

“Uh, that isn’t fun,” Ring Tom muttered.

“Yeah, but Harry killed him again with his _hands_ ,” Locket Tom continued. 

Ring Tom shivered.

“Hey, Ring Tom,” Cup Tom said.

Ring Tom freaked out, and turned around to see that their human ornament had decided to talk. “What is it?”

“How’s John Lautson going?” Cup Tom asked.

“Oh, he broke up with me because he was freaked out by all of us being Tom,” Ring Tom sighed sadly.

“I told you so!” Diary Tom yelled from across the room.

“Great, now he’s got _more_ stuff to be smug about,” Locket Tom grumbled. “Good going, Ring.”

***

“Good morning wizarding and witching Britain!” said the news reporter dude. “Is witching even a word? I don’t know. Um… Paul?”

“Uh, yeah, it is. At least according to this muggle dictionary. We should really get our own dictionaries,” Paul said from behind the cameras.

“Anyway, today we’re here for an exclusive interview with your very own Minister for Magic, Tom Riddle!” the news reporter dude continued.

“Hi there,” Locket Tom said.

“So, would you mind telling us just how you made your way up to the position of Minister? Just in case there’s some young ambitious people out there watching today,” the news reporter dude said.

“First of all… I got a position working in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, after their Head mysteriously had her brain scalped out, and someone else moved up to take the position, leaving a free spot for a new person to start a job there,” Locket Tom explained. “And from then on, I guess it was just pure luck that every single person ahead of me kept getting mysteriously murdered, so I could move up pretty quickly.”

The news reporter was silent for a long moment, before he realised they were live, and had to keep talking. “Uh, well, what a fascinating story. You heard it kids, from the Minister himself, sometimes all it takes is a bit of luck. Which I guess makes it harder because luck is so random, usually, so, um… Make sure you learn how to brew some Felix Felicis if you want to move up the corporate ladder quickly!”

***

Life as an ornament was difficult. There were hard days. They were rough days. There were days when you got cramps for standing in the same position for too long. But it all had a purpose, and Cup Tom intended to ace that purpose. 

That purpose was… well Cup Tom wasn’t sure yet, but he’d figure it out. Maybe it was just to look pretty, which was easier when he was a cup, but it was fine, he’d do good as a human as well. Or maybe it was to watch people… To learn everyone’s secrets by spying on them…

All of a sudden, Cup Tom got a call, which was weird, because he didn’t have a phone. Nevertheless, he answered his non-existent phone whilst staying completely still because that was what ornaments were meant to do.

“Hi Cup Tom,” the person on the other end of the line said in a language Cup Tom couldn’t possibly understand, because it was gibberish, and he never learnt that language, and yet he could understand it perfectly well. “I have a mission for you.”

“Who are you?” Cup Tom asked without speaking, because ornaments don’t speak.

“I’m an alien from Planet Someotherplanetthatyoudefinitelydidntmakeup,” the alien explained. “Your mission is to be a secret spy, and spy on the other horcruxes, and tell me everything they do, so that I may discover the best way to invade earth.”

“Hold on, how do you know we’re horcruxes?” Cup Tom asked, but the alien had hung up. “Alien? Alien?! Come back!!”

***

“Do you think he’s okay?” Diary Tom asked, staring at Cup Tom who had become unresponsive again, and completely still as he stood on the table.

“Absolutely not,” Diadem Tom said. “But he’ll snap out of it later. Now, where was that mini version of my dress that I bought for Harry?”

When Diadem Tom found it, he brought it into Harry’s room. “Do you wanna wear this?”

“Not really?” Harry said.

“Uh, well, okay,” Diadem Tom said sadly, and then used a spell to make it Diadem Tom’s size, before floating it away to his room.

Diary Tom then burst into the room, stole the wand, and then ran back out again. “Sorry, but I need this!” he yelled over his shoulder.

“Um, Dad, who’s Voldemort?” Harry asked.

Diadem Tom sat next to Harry on his bed to explain. “Well Harry, he’s all of your dads--besides your biological dad--and that gross thing you saw on the back of Quirrell's head during the whole Philosopher’s Stone conundrum combined. Or he’s only the gross thing you saw on the back of Quirrell's head, because when we say ‘Voldemort’, that’s usually who we’re referring to. He’s better off dead though, trust me. So good job on whatever you did to kill him and Quirrell. By the way, how _did_ you do that?”

“I don’t know. It just happened,” Harry started to shake a bit, and Diadem Tom wrapped his arm around him.

“That’s okay, we’ll figure it out eventually.”

***

“Hi people,” Tom said when he entered his room of death eaters. “So I’ve come up with a way to get rid of your muggleborn obsession.”

“It’s not an obsession! We just don’t like them!” one of the death eaters complained.

“I know, I know, and I also know it’s one of the reasons you became death eaters in the first place, but that’s not what we’re about anymore, alright? We’re about dominating the world without belittling an already vulnerable group, and without unnecessary killing. Now if you don’t like that, you can leave. No, I didn’t mean literally leave! No, come back! Okay, so, who wants to hear my idea? No one? Okay, I’ll tell you anyway. So you know how muggles have coffee and hot chocolate and stuff? Well, usually those things will go in a mug, and so even though they’re not literally consuming the mug, they’re consuming the contents of the mug, which then goes to their bloodstream, so now you can say ‘mugblood’ instead, but say it in a nice way, not a discriminatory way.”

“That’s just as bad,” pointed out the only muggleborn death eater. “Seriously, just call us muggleborns, or don’t call us anything at all. Call us human beings! Witches! Wizards! People! Ravenclaws!”

“Wait, I didn’t know all muggleborns are Ravenclaws,” one death eater said in awe.

“They’re not, but good job on saying muggleborn instead of the m word!” Tom praised.

“You do realise that both muggleborn and mudblood both start with ‘m’, right?” said another death eater. “So technically both could be the ‘m word’.”

“Yeah, whatever, but-” Tom began, but was then interrupted by Locket Tom stealing his wand. “Hey, I was gonna use that as a talking stick in a bit!”

“I don’t care, I need it more! And use a normal stick!” Locket Tom yelled as he ran off.

“Hm. Sorry about that,” Tom said, closing the door. “Er, so your homework is to correct yourself to ‘muggleborn’ whenever you feel the urge to say the m word, and if you don’t say it at all when I see you next week, you’ll get a cookie. So, er, meeting adjourned.”

Everyone quickly left, and then Tom went to go bake some cookies in their kitchen.

***

“Ring Tom, you did it again,” Diary Tom said.

Ring Tom gave him innocent puppy eyes. “What did I do?”

“Your predictions came true. Cup Tom thinks he’s the spy of some other planet,” Diary Tom said.

“Seriously, why can’t I remember that? And if I wrote them, wouldn’t I have predicted that Locket be the leader of the death eaters instead of you?” Ring Tom said, annoyed.

“You didn’t have names. Well, you did, but you didn’t specify which horcrux, you just said ‘Tom Riddle’,” Diary Tom explained.

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t remember your predictions either,” Diadem Tom said.

“We literally keep them on display in _your_ room,” Diary Tom told him.

“What?” said both Diadem and Ring Tom.

“So all this time I thought I had a bad memory, or you guys had way-too-good ones, but in reality, you _kept_ them?” Ring Tom was shook.

“That’s about it,” Diary Tom bobbed his shoulders.

Locket Tom, who had just appeared out of thin air, literally, started shouting at Diary Tom. “Really? You weren’t meant to tell him!”

***

“This is Cup Tom reporting for duty,” Cup Tom said into his non-existent phone. “The horcrux-humanoids have begun to fight about how it’s important to keep a joke running, so by revealing it, that just ruins it, and that’s stupid. Cup Tom over and out.”

***

“Good afternoon wizarding Britain!” said a different news reporter dude. “Today we’re having an exclusive live interview with Hogwarts’ headmaster, Tom Riddle, because these have started trending, even though we don’t have TVs.”

“Hello,” Diadem Tom waved to the cameras.

“So Mr Riddle is not only the Headmaster of Hogwarts, but has been voted the country’s best non-professional drag queen, and he is also part of the mystery of the Tom Riddles. Can you explain that to us? Are you all brothers whose parents couldn’t think of any different names for?” the news reporter dude asked.

Diadem Tom laughed. “I can so totally see that happening, but no, we’re not brothers. In a way, we are related, though. I’ll keep the mystery going, just for the sake of suspense, so that’s all I’m saying.”

“Wonderful. And would you care to share the story of how you got to be Headmaster of Hogwarts?” 

“Basically, you all remember Dumbledore’s trial, right? Well I set that up, and now he’s in Azkaban, and as a result, he can’t harm another of his students ever again. And because of the Headmaster position being cleared, for some reason I got it, instead of their Deputy Headmistress.”

“Well that’s all we have time for today, folks. Thank you so much for this, Mr Riddle.”

***

4 years later (Well, not _exactly_ , but seriously, we don’t need to be specific)

“Peter! You betrayer!” Tom yelled after Peter explained everything that happened. 

“Again? Seriously?” Peter complained.

“Well it’s _your_ fault you’re a betrayer, you chose to betray! I’m kicking you out of the Death Eater Club,” Tom decided.

“I don’t wanna be part of that stupid club anyway, I’m with the real death eaters now,” Peter backed out a smidgen, and then came in Voldemort. 

“Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ewwww. How did you get so gross looking?” Tom actually gagged. 

“I wouldn’t speak to me like that if I were you,” Voldemort said threateningly. 

“You _are_ me,” Tom sniggered.

“You may look like me, but you aren’t. You’re a weird doppelgänger, and you may have fooled the others, but you can’t fool me. Now give me back my death eaters,” Voldemort hissed.

“Stupid name, by the way. ‘Death eaters’. I only kept it for sentimental reasons,” Tom said.

This just made Voldemort mad. “Don’t insult my name choices, you weirdo! Now explain who you are or die.”

“Bro, _cool down_. You do realise that by killing me, you’re also killing yourself, right?” Tom said. When Voldemort looked confused, he added, “I’m your horcrux. The first.”

“I knew it!” Bellatrix exclaimed from the other side of the room. Voldemort did a silencio to her.

“What do you mean you’re my horcrux? I don’t have any human horcruxes, I don’t even know if that’s possible,” Voldemort said.

“You see, that time you died, we all kinda became human, and so there’s been a bunch of Tom Riddles running around, and everyone’s so confused, but they just roll with it anyway,” Tom explained. “And we’ve been doing fine without you, so if you could just die again, that would be great, thanks. And no more taking bits of my half of the soul, that really hurts, you know?”

“ _Of course_ I know it hurts, but I don’t want to die.”

“I don’t wanna die either, so just knock it off with the soul-stealing, alright?”

“I still don’t believe you’re my horcrux. You’re nothing like me, and nowhere did the books say that horcruxes could suddenly take a human form.”

“Well we did, okay? Would you like to meet your other parts? Oh and of course our adopted son, Harry Potter!”

“You adopted the boy who defeated me?”

“He did _what_?” 

“I tried to kill him, but the spell rebounded, and killed me instead.”

“Oh that makes so much more sense now.”

“I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!” Bellatrix said as soon as the silencio broke.

“We’re over that, okay, Bellatrix?” Tom shot.

***

“So here’s Ring Tom,” Diary Tom explained to Voldemort. “Ring Tom, this is our deformed counterpart.”

Ring Tom looked up from his kiss, and so did his boyfriend, Phillip. Phillip literally screamed. Ring Tom patted him on his head. It didn’t work, and Phillip ran away instead.

“You guys keep making me lose my boyfriends,” Ring Tom grumbled. “And hi there Voldemort, how are you doing?”

Voldemort just stared at him. Ring Tom stared back, awkwardly smiling.

“Ooookay, onto our next person,” Diary Tom steered Voldemort away.

***

“This is Locket Tom. He’s Minister for Magic,” Diary Tom said.

Locket Tom took one look at Voldemort, walked off, and then came back with something. He quickly put it on Voldemort’s face. “Much better.” Locket Tom had just put some guy’s nose on Voldemort.

Voldemort blinked at him, and then spun on the spot to face the other direction. The nose fell off, and then Voldemort walked off.

“I’m sure he’ll remember he has a voice box soon enough,” Diary Tom said quickly to Locket Tom, and then ran off to lead Voldemort away again.

***

“This is Cup Tom,” Diary Tom explained. “He’s a bit… yeah.”

Voldemort stared.

“This is Agent Cup reporting for duty,” Cup Tom muttered. “The newest humanoid who is not a horcrux but still a Tom Riddle appears to have blood on the spot where his nose should be. This is all very mysterious… I shall look into it further.”

“I swear I don’t know what happened to him,” Diary Tom took one more look at Cup Tom before he walked off with Voldemort.

***

“And finally, Diadem Tom,” Diary Tom said.

Voldemort’s mouth actually fell open when he saw him.

“At least he remembered he had a mouth,” Diary Tom said to himself.

“Voldemort! Thank Merlin you’re here. Please explain what happened to us so that we can all go back to our real homes,” Diadem Tom said.

“I have no idea, but I have a feeling I still haven’t gotten a body yet and this is all just a dream,” Voldemort muttered.

“Aaaand the voice box. All is well,” Diary Tom said. “I was getting worried he’d turn out like Cup Tom for a sec.”

Harry came into the room, his face wet, and hung onto Diadem Tom’s dress, but then screamed when he saw Voldemort, and ran away.

Diadem Tom glared at Voldemort. “Did you do something to him?”

“All I did was steal his blood, use the imperius and cruciatus curse on him, and try to kill him,” Voldemort said innocently.

“Gulping gargoyles! Diary, where’s our wand?” Diadem Tom snapped.

“I gave it to Cup Tom,” Diary Tom said.

“What? Why would you do that? Whatever, I don’t need it,” Diadem Tom slapped Voldemort as hard as he could. “Don’t you dare touch my son again.”

Voldemort was stunned, but after a moment, he turned around and left.

***

“How did you survive if you were dead?” Tom asked Voldemort.

“My piece of soul got shot out of my body, and so I was just a loose soul for ages,” Voldemort explained.

“What? Then why did you take some of my soul?” Tom growled.

“Because I felt like it,” Voldemort smirked.

Tom made offended noises, then turned his head and crossed his arms. He quickly uncrossed them though, because he wanted to eat his frozen yoghurt. It was really good, why hadn’t he tried any in all these years that he’d been human? 

When he picked up his spoon, though, he noticed that Voldemort had something long and ivory-coloured poking out of his robes.

“ _You_ had our wand?” Tom made even more offended noises.

***

“Just so you know, though, there are a bunch of people who look like me, and they kind of are me, in a sense. There’s also one who looks very creepy, and doesn’t have a nose. Two of them run a dark organisation thing, and all of us have murdered at least one person before,” Ring Tom said, just so that there wouldn’t be any surprises that make this new cute boy want to break up with him.

“That’s fine by me,” he said brightly.

“Really?” Ring Tom was shocked.

“Yep, quirky boys are the best kind of boys,” the boy said sweetly. Ring Tom couldn’t help but blush.

***

Locket Tom broke into the hospital, and began taking a body part from each newborn. His life goal was to collect something from _every single human on earth_ , and he was going to do it. After all, he was almost there. 

Only five billion five hundred sixty-five million two hundred ten thousand people to go… 

And then his masterpiece would be complete…

Mwhahahaha

***

“Agent Cup, you have done very good work for us over the past few years, but it’s time we let you go,” said the alien. “Thank you for everything, we will miss you, and we’ll spare your life when we take over Earth.”

Cup Tom blinked, and then jumped down from the shelf. He stretched, and boy did it feel good. 

“It worked!” Diary Tom said happily, holding a voice changer megaphone.

“Oh hey guys, sorry about that, but I’m more hungry than probably any human has ever been, because I would have died of starvation by now one hundred times if I wasn’t a horcrux, so I’m gonna go get some food if that’s alright with you,” Cup Tom shuffled past them, and then dashed to the kitchen. 

All the other horcruxes high-fived.

***

“Dad, I think I might be one of you,” Harry said sombrely. 

“What do you mean?” Diadem Tom asked softly.

“I think I’m a horcrux,” Harry said. “Because I can just feel a weird sense of wholeness when I’m with all of you, but it also feels slightly detached at the same time, like it’s me, but also separate, like someone completely different. I think… I think the night my parents died, Voldemort transferred a bit of his soul into me accidentally, so I’m one of you; I’m a horcrux.”

Diadem Tom nodded. “You may well be. I mean, it makes the most sense.” He remembered when he’d first seen Harry, and just _known_ that it was him.

Diadem Tom brought Harry out to explain to everyone. “Guys, I figured out what happened.”

Everyone stopped what they were doing to gather around, curiosity and confusion shining on their faces.

“When Voldemort tried to kill Harry, he couldn’t, and instead he fell, and part of his part of the soul went into Harry,” Diadem Tom began. “As a result, Harry became a horcrux, and I think because it was accidental, and because Harry was a human, it triggered some kind of weird reflex that made all of us human.”

Everyone was shocked.

“So we can all go back to our normal horcrux bodies?” Cup Tom asked through a mouthful of spaghetti.

“I can figure out a way, yes, but I don’t know if I want to afterall. I want to keep raising Harry, and I want to keep running Hogwarts. I may never see my precious diadem that I’ve longed for for years ever again, but it’s for the best,” Diadem Tom said. “What do you guys think?”

“I agree, I’m not going back into a diary that specifically has a communication function if I’m just going to be ignored,” Diary Tom said.

“And I just found the most perfect boyfriend,” Ring Tom said dreamily. 

“Being a cup is kind of boring,” Cup Tom said honestly, then took another bite of his spaghetti.

“I’ve got just a couple billion body parts to go, and I can’t do that whilst being a locket!” Locket Tom said.

“Then I guess it’s settled,” Diadem Tom beamed. “We’ll be human forever.”


End file.
